Have you heard of the mythology of The heroes journey, often subscribed to Joseph Campbell because he wrote a book about it? I actually haven't read the book but I've heard the myth used in many people's stories of their life's challenges and great victories. It's about this adventurer who is called to move from the known into the unknown, being both challenged and helped on their journey. Eventually there's the abyss, or dark night of the soul, where both death and rebirth happens which transforms the adventurer in their core and in Campbells words: "the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man."
I don't mean to be all dramatic about my own life but it feels like I've just been through a hero's journey myself (and I think we all do in different times of our lives). I've been through these journey's before but this one was on a much deeper level, more spiritual to me than previous ones. And I think as with many of the most profound experiences of our lives, it's difficult to put it into words. I probably will try, in greater detail, in the future, but for now, I just want to share with you a brief summary from my mind's understanding of it and what helped me through (bestowing boons and all that 😉).
This whole winter and spring has been a time of transformation for me. Lots of change and triggers and challenges and blessings. I've felt off. Out of alignment a lot of the time. Searching. Doubting. Looking for answers outside of myself. Feeling a lack of meaning. It's had me trying lots of new things but also hiding away and distracting in more ways than one. A few weeks back it started escalating after having had a really deep consciousness experience with non-duality. It was like my ego started panicking and fighting for it's life. The Eckhart Tolle quote came to mind:
"Every ego wants to be special. If it can't be special by being superior to others, it's also quite happy with being especially miserable."
It felt as though my ego was so defeated by all the efforting it had done for so long, trying to figure things out, that it just retreated to being miserable. In me it manifested as suffering, which in my definition is just resisting pain. For years I've been able to access pain much more easily because I've learnt to not resist it but let it move through me. I've also been more identified with my intuition than my mind and so I've been able to observe my thoughts a lot of the time. All of this disappeared in this state. I was just in a really dark place. Not being able to distance myself from my mind at all and not being able to transform the pain because there was so much resistance. It was awful. My body of course reacted too with a really bad cold and a lot of back pain. And I couldn't sleep.
Fortunately I had support around me and I got to talk a lot, not sure it helped but it soothed my mind somewhat. In the next few days I had a lot of triggers coming my way, meaning situations that triggered old deep wounds. As I went away to an island with other loving people, in different stages of their consciousness development journey, I finally found myself in the perfect storm of circumstances to no longer being able to resist, to effort, to hold on. So, I let go. It wasn't a deliberate action, I had wanted to let go for so long, but I was helped in letting go this time.
It felt like a purge, an energy cleanse, that went on for a couple of days. No particular thoughts. No drama. No story. Just pure energy moving through me. Sometimes painful, but never suffering. I was held by nature and by community and by my own intuition. In between the purges or waves I rested. Until a new wave came and washed over me.
Realizing now, as I try to describe it, that it all probably sounds very weird, but it felt like the most natural thing in the world. And after the storm had subsided, I felt different. Lighter. Stronger. More guided than ever before. I had so many questions that I thought needed answers, but I don't need the answers anymore. I quite enjoy the questions. My mind has calmed down and this deep knowing, my own intuition, is just present here. I'm not done, there's no there there. And I don't know what comes next. But sharing this story now helps me integrate it and for some reason my intuition asked me to so hopefully it will inspire you too in some way.
And to get back to my intention of "bestowing boons" (sharing blessings) I think there will be many coming out of this most recent dark night of mine. But for now I want to share with you this: If you're in a dark place, know that everything changes. You being here on Earth is not chance, you're supposed to be here, trust that. Allow for your feelings to be felt, all of them. If not they get stuck and are so much more tricky to get out if they've been there for a long time. If you have a lot of stuck energy (old, not felt emotions), ask for support in releasing them. Your own intuition will probably be the best guide, but sometimes we need other people or professionals to release in a safe and kind to ourselves way. And you are loved, so very loved. In fact, you are love itself. But if that's too much for your mind to grasp, just rest in knowing you are loved.
As my flow is slowly returning and I feel more alignment than in a long time my creativity is also starting to express. It's currently being channeled into a new online course on this very topic, called An intuitive life in flow (it will be in Swedish this time). It's a deepening of the workshop with the same name that I've been doing several times in the last month. Mind, intuition, alignment, flow, emotional release and integration. I'm toying with releasing it on the Summer Solstice but let's see what flows until then. I'm listening more than ever, so tired of efforting my way through life. And the question that guides me the most right now is still: What wants to happen now? So if you would listen to your own life, trusting that you are guided, what wants to happen now?
With all my love,
Helena