We live in a rather individualistic society, where we think we have to fend for ourselves and where “stronger alone” seems to be a prevailing paradigm. And I know it for myself, who talks a lot about self-leadership, that I sometimes end up there, in the belief that I can do it all myself. But we need community and social contacts to heal, to find solutions to complex problems and to feel well, together.
Absolutely, we are responsible for ourselves first and foremost, our thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. And self-leadership is more important now than ever. We can no longer blame anyone else or stay in the victim mentality because that’s not where we find the strength that we need to be well in this world. But we also need to come together to find new solutions to old problems. To realize that we are not alone in what we are struggling with. Because we feel less helpless when we help each other.
Katarina Blom writes in the book Tillsammans-effekten that relationships actually affect our physical health more than both smoking, exercise and alcohol. That it is the relationships that most strongly affect both how satisfied we feel with life and our health, but also how long we live healthy lives. Perhaps you have also heard the expression that “we can’t heal where there’s fear” and here I think that relationships play a big role. We need to feel part of a community, a context to feel and safe and secure.
I believe that one of our most basic needs is to feel seen, heard and valued. Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter? I’m not only talking about the deepest and longest lasting relationships, so-called thick bonds, but also the more superficial and short relationships, the thin bonds. That I step into the café and receive a friendly welcome. That I help the neighbor to hold up the door. That both I and the customer service employee confirm each other. I see you. I hear you. You matter.
I often meet people who feel lonely. Who don’t feel that they have close relationships or someone who understands them. I think this is an issue we should take seriously. Not because we need to panic that we no longer connect with our youth friends, but because it’s so much worth actually feeling connected, deeply connecting with another human. And I notice in my own life that, even though a long history in relationships is wonderful to have, it becomes less important to me as the years pass. That it’s the connection that I’m looking for. Here and now. Is there energy in this relationship? Are you letting me in? Am I letting you in? And many of the most valuable encounters I can have in a week are with people I have never met before. In a sharing circle on Zoom, in a first introductory coffee or simply in eye contact on the street with someone I don’t know at all.
What would happen if we lowered the bar for what it takes to get close, but at the same time raised the expectation of actually doing so? What is required then?
Probably vulnerability. Probably authenticity. And presence. And here, of course, comes the all-important self-compassion. Because we take risks when we show vulnerability, when we share what is real, when we show up with our whole being. It may be that the other person doesn’t have the capacity to meet us there. And that’s okay. Because we know that it’s very rarely about us and more often about their own insecurity, their own wounds. And if, contrary to expectation, it happens, we can keep ourselves in what feels difficult. Not necessarily to conclude that it’s not worth opening up, but rather to conclude that this very person, at this very moment, didn’t have the ability to meet me there. Then we continue to reach out, over and over again, because we know that relationships are worth it, and that we heal together.