I actually wrote this post a couple of years back but I sent it to my newsletter list the other week and got some really nice feedback. Maybe you relate too? I’m thinking my new book will be on this theme so you will probably see a lot of this around here in the next coming months. We’ll see, my inner gps leads the way and alignment always goes first.
I have a confession to make... One that feels shameful to admit although I think you all might already know it. It’s just me who’s been lurking in the shadow of this realization. And the shame I feel for admitting it is the very thing that has kept me there: I’m not sure I know what self-love is.
Or maybe I do know sometimes but I forget a lot. Too often. I forget every time I judge myself unlovable and I abandon myself instead. I judge myself unlovable when in pain. When my life and feelings gets messy. When I haven’t yet discovered the silver lining. When I’m being all too human. When the pain seems meaningless. Not realizing that the meaninglessness probably comes from me abandoning myself, not loving. It’s a loop I can’t seem to get out of sometimes.
It feels like I’m on to something though. I did this training in compassionate coaching. I remember the big aha when I realized my own inability to show compassion and love towards myself when things got rough.
I’d lived with the impression that I had self-love mastered. I even wrote a whole chapter about it in my book and shared the tools that I use to keep up my self-love game. But my love was conditional to me being okay. I had learnt to love myself when life was fine. When I had full control of my emotional life, positive thinking and the lessons revealing. I had learnt to love myself when love was the primary tone. I had fine-tuned my tools of self-care not realizing the ultimate self-care is self-compassion. Compassion towards myself when I wasn’t okay. When things didn’t seem fine.
Realizing this I could also see clearer what had actually created my suffering during many of the painful periods in my life. I could see that the main reason for the rough patches feeling unbearable was the fact that I abandoned myself. That’s what hurt the most, not the pain in itself. That’s what still hurts the most.
My inner critic, in moments of pain, sounds something like any variation of this;
You should have this figured out by now, you’re so stupid for not being able to deal with this!
Come on, what the hell are you doing, you’ve even written a book about this, you’re fake.
Wtf, you’re too privileged to feel sorry for yourself. There’s people who’s got real pain and you’re not one of them.
Step into your f*cking power.
Yeah, I know, a lot of cursing. She’s nasty in all kinds of way. She’s also really angry. I haven’t really figured out why. I know part of self-love is probably learning to love her too, but, man, I really don’t like her very much.
I also know this shows as proof to the height of my ego. That I think I’m so special I should have it all figured out and never get caught in my humanness again. When I don’t expect this of anyone else. Which of course is me judging myself again.
As I said, I don’t have this one figured out, but I suspect acceptance and patience are important ingredients. And of course, awareness, which is where I’m at right now. And maybe I’ve been here before. Maybe I’m just re-learning or remembering from a higher level than before. Maybe I’m here because I’m ready for it.
I’ve dreamt a lot of nightmares lately and waking up with a slight feeling of anxiety and discomfort. And instantly starting to judge myself for it. Trying to force myself into feeling better again. Which just intensifies the feeling of self-loathing. Not allowing myself to be where I am just keeps me in the loop of overanalyzing and trying to get out all day long. Even writing about this now just makes me tired of me.
Which is of course okay. But for now. I’m moving from my head, or the "brain-jar on the broom stick", that Elizabeth Gilbert calls it, onto the mat. Giving the broom stick a little love. If you recognize yourself in this I wanna leave you with this; you are okay. You are enough. Embrace. I embrace you.
With all my love,
Helena