The inner critic is present in most of us. But it’s not alone in there, you have other characters within you too. Check out my latest Youtube video with an awesome exercise on how to become more compassionate towards yourself.
I don't have it all figured out
It seems as if people sometimes think that I have it all figured out or that my so called wisdom, makes my life so simple. And maybe I too expect this to be the case. But sorry to say so; I don’t have it all figured out.
Sure, I’ve written the book and I’ve done my 10 000+ hours on personal development, learning, writing, teaching, pondering and reflecting. But sometimes, I’m a hot mess. I don’t have anything figured out and end up stumbling all over my own tools.
And you know what the worst thing about it is? I blame myself. I shame myself for being human. For being messy. For not figuring it out right away.
I think I need to write this to myself as much as to anyone else. Because what I know will help in those instances, is self-compassion. You know the thing that’s so simple when life’s simple. The thing that is so super difficult (for me) to muster when I mess up.
I really recommend this beautiful epsiode on self-love on Danielle Laportes new podcast “With love, Danielle”. How can you love yourself even when you messed up? How can you love yourself when you get sick, even though you have all the tools for health? How can you love yourself when the things you believed in so deeply, seem to rip at the seems? How can you love yourself when you don’t even like yourself very much?
Those are not easy questions and I don’t have all the answers. But I’m learning. Slowly. And I’m trying my best to apply heaps of compassion to my trials.
With all my love,
Helena
When your no is clear, I'll believe in your yes
Boundaries. So important. Boundaries. So hard. I used to think that boundaries meant distancing, closing the heart, loving less, shutting out… Now I know it’s the opposite. Love without boundaries is weak, and non-accountable, and less that what it has the potential to be.
If you say yes to everyone and everything all the time, eventually your yes is eroded. When you take a breath, listen in before you respond to any request I will know that you’re following your intuition and being real with me. When your no is clear, I’ll believe in your yes.
Some of the most powerful people I know have really clear boundaries. They also happen to be the most loving people I know, because they don’t deplete themselves in the false pretense of service. When they serve or give they do so from an overflowing heart, from abundance of energy and love and care. Brene Brown found in her research that the most compassionate people are the same people that have the strongest boundaries. Because you can only give what you have and boundaries is self-compassion. It might be surprising but also so obvious when you think about it.
No one else can be responsible for your boundaries but you. No one will thank you for not having any. And no one else but you knows where they are.
I believe we all need to practice, I know I do. But the next time someone asks you to do something, give something or go somewhere; take a pause. You always have five seconds to spare. Take a deep breath and listen in; is this aligned with what you need or have to give right now? If you don’t feel a ‘hell, yes!’ or a ‘No.’ right away, ask to get back to the person. They can usually stand to wait a couple of hours or a day.
And remember, ‘No.’ is a full sentence. If you want to put a lot of effort into explaining yourself, you can, but you don’t have to. Usually it just mashes your no in with a lot of maybe’s and unnecessary words and you end up being unclear.
When your no is clear, I’ll believe in your yes.
With all my love,
Helena
Never stop learning, always be kind
As we’re on the home stretch of my online course the theme and common challenge for my participants is getting clear: Kindness as we learn. Change can be uncomfortable although it’s happening all the time.
The course participants are on a journey of discovering and re-discovering some of the most powerful practices of staying in the driver seat of their own life. Avoiding victim mentality, where powerlessness resides, and finding joy in the moment and gratitude for it all.
Our inner critic easily awake as we learn something new. She’s often resting as we go about our day, doing things as we use to, following the routine, staying in our comfort zone. But as soon as we get out there, stretch, live fully or try something we’ve never done before or something we might have “failed” at before, she becomes wide awake.
What do you think you’re doing?
You’ll never make it!
Who do you think you are?
What if you fail?
But truth is, these are your options: Either you succeed or you learn. Because everything is progress. Success can be sweet but truth be told, we usually learn more when we don’t. So why do we fear failure if we’re here to learn in the first place?
It probably has evolutionary explanations, as do all of our fearful thoughts. But remember this sweetheart, you’re all grown up now and you can take care of yourself. So the dreaded exclusion for the group that your inner child is fearing, that will probably never happen in the first place, is not the end of the world. It might actually be a blessing in disguise. Because that too, is an opportunity for growth.
What’s most important in life class is self-compassion as we practice. Self-compassion as we grow. Self-compassion as we “fail”. You can have your own back. And if you need some extra support, I got you too.
With all my love,
Helena
Letting people see the darkness
As you probably know if you read these posts regularly, one of my themes of development right now is self-compassion. Something made the insight of what it practically means land in me a few weeks ago. After one of those meaningful insights there always a re-orientation happening in the weeks following. It's as if everything needs to be looked at again but from a new perspective.
Where my weakness lies I don't want to let others in because that's where I can't love myself. And where I can't love myself I find it unlikely that anyone else would. This is a real dilemma since no one can show me I'm lovable until I give them a chance to love me everywhere and I find it hard to let anyone in where I don't love myself.
I have a strong inkling this is one of the main themes of my next book. I'll let you in on my progress and hopefully, I'll also let you in to my weakness.
With all my love,
Helena
Self-compassion when you don't like yourself
We all have good and bad days. I find myself needing to remind myself that that's okay, also for me. I'm not that special. And on those bad days, I find that my greatest tool is self-compassion. It's interesting to me that this is quite a new realization and I'm okay with that.
I've been really good at loving myself when life's smooth and easy but I have a tendency to judge and criticize myself when I'm not in a good place. Isn't that funny? And not very fruitful.
Love me the most when I deserve it the least for that's when I need it the most.
I grew up with this saying but I had forgotten about it and it's just recently that I truly realized that it also applies to myself. And the same goes for you.
Are you good at this? Loving yourself the most when you feel you deserve it the least? Love is always the answer. It's the light at the end of the tunnel. Grateful to always be learning.
With all my love,
Helena