boundaries

When your no is clear, I'll believe in your yes

Boundaries. So important. Boundaries. So hard. I used to think that boundaries meant distancing, closing the heart, loving less, shutting out… Now I know it’s the opposite. Love without boundaries is weak, and non-accountable, and less that what it has the potential to be.

If you say yes to everyone and everything all the time, eventually your yes is eroded. When you take a breath, listen in before you respond to any request I will know that you’re following your intuition and being real with me. When your no is clear, I’ll believe in your yes.

Some of the most powerful people I know have really clear boundaries. They also happen to be the most loving people I know, because they don’t deplete themselves in the false pretense of service. When they serve or give they do so from an overflowing heart, from abundance of energy and love and care. Brene Brown found in her research that the most compassionate people are the same people that have the strongest boundaries. Because you can only give what you have and boundaries is self-compassion. It might be surprising but also so obvious when you think about it.

No one else can be responsible for your boundaries but you. No one will thank you for not having any. And no one else but you knows where they are.

I believe we all need to practice, I know I do. But the next time someone asks you to do something, give something or go somewhere; take a pause. You always have five seconds to spare. Take a deep breath and listen in; is this aligned with what you need or have to give right now? If you don’t feel a ‘hell, yes!’ or a ‘No.’ right away, ask to get back to the person. They can usually stand to wait a couple of hours or a day.

And remember, ‘No.’ is a full sentence. If you want to put a lot of effort into explaining yourself, you can, but you don’t have to. Usually it just mashes your no in with a lot of maybe’s and unnecessary words and you end up being unclear.

When your no is clear, I’ll believe in your yes.

With all my love,

Helena

Progress on boundaries

As you know by now, this is a big subject in my life right now. I haven't practiced that much before, so I'm learning now. One big aha that a friend said the other day helped lay another piece of the puzzle for me: You don't set boundaries against others, you set boundaries for yourself. 

That was big for me. I'm not showing resistance, I'm not working against anything or trying to push away. I'm simply doing something for myself when I set boundaries. I do it because it's important to me. Because I am important to me. It has nothing to do with the other person.

When I violate my own boundaries I'm sending signals that something else is more important to me. With consistency people also learn that it's okay to overstep my boundaries, and eventually, all over me. I've said it before and I say it again. Boundaries can be loving. Boundaries are an expression of love. 

With all my love,

Helena  

Be alone as if with others. Be with others as if alone.

I don't remember where I heard this expression first, but I really love the idea.

Be alone as if with others. For me it means having integrity also when I'm alone. Being impeccable with my words, also towards myself. Act in ways that I'm proud of. Take care of myself, others and the planet, also when no one is watching. 

Be with others as if alone. This means being truly, fully me, in all circumstances. Sure, I will choose to show different parts of me in different contexts, but always, be me. Share vulnerably. Set boundaries.

What does this idea mean to you? Are you? As if with others when you're alone? As if alone when with others? What does that concept practically mean in your life? 

With all my love,

Helena 

 

The relief of the paradox

I've always been intrigued and frustrated about the both and more. My rational mind has always tried to figure out which one it is and find a way to stay with that. But in recent years I'm feeling more and more intrigued, and less frustrated. This is short excerpt from my book Pure Personal Power - tools to collect on a healing journey. 

Life is hard and beautiful. Pain is inevitable but you don’t have to suffer. What is difficult when life’s difficult is easy when life’s easy. Strive to always feel better and let go. Always focus on understanding others and set very clear boundaries. Have a clear vision of where you want to go and be where you are. We need other people and we need to be able to be alone.  Have faith that you are taken care of and do the work. Put yourself first and focus on service to others. Know your truth and be open to changing your mind. Set high standards and enjoy the simple things. Follow your heart and use your head.  Be fully in this world and know this is not all there is.

With all my love,

Helena