As emotional beings, feelings are often mixed and mashed and changing all the time. We can experience pain and gratitude at the same time. Irritation and love. Nervousness and bliss. But fear is different, at least to me. Fear says hello with everything. When fear comes to visit he blocks out the noise of any other emotion that was there previously.
I go on regular check-ups and take blood tests every quarter because of my many diagnosis. This is a clear fear trigger for me. Still. A couple of months back I did a test that showed some deviations. This has happened some times in the past and has self-regulated again, but still, raw fear shows up every time.
First, it’s just all-consuming. Fear says hello with everything. After a while I can distinguish between fear and myself. I call this part of my self “the scared hypochondriac”. All she needs is love.
Days passed and I knew I wouldn’t get another test in a couple of weeks. Fear lingered. I let it. And the interesting thing is that when I let fear take me by its hand and show me worst case scenario it showed me death. I sat with that.
So? If this means I’m going to die young, so be it. I better make the best out of today. This soothed me tremendously. First I thought it was odd. Then I just accepted the relief.
As I listened to Oprahs interview with Mark Nepo this morning I was reminded of this. He was standing in the shower one morning when he noticed a lump on his head after having been cancer free for 26 years. After the initial fear had run through him (because fear says hello with everything), he came to the same conclusion: “If I’m now going to die, I might as well enjoy this shower.”
I’m not trying to be morbid here, but, most of us live our lives in total ignorance of death, although it’s the only thing we know for certain. And since none of us know when it’s going to happen, we better just make the best out of this present moment.
With all my love,